October 30, 2020

My lover is perfect but he won’t leave his wife for fear of losing his kids

My lover is perfect but he won’t leave his wife for fear of losing his kids

DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE the most perfect sex with my lover but he is frightened to leave his wife in case she uses their children as a bargaining tool.

I am 25 and he is 35. I never thought I would be seeing a married man and it’s not something I am proud of. But I care for him so much and only want him to be happy.

My lover is perfect but he won't leave his wife for fear of losing his kids


My lover is perfect but he won’t leave his wife for fear of losing his kidsCredit: Getty Images – Getty

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At the start of the year I managed to land a great job. I am on the management team of a large retail warehouse and my lover is my immediate boss.

We hit it off straight away when we met. Chatting at lunch- time turned into flirting and he confided in me about his marriage troubles.

He has two daughters and, since the second was born, his wife has given up on their relationship and sex life. At first I tried just to listen and offer advice. But soon it became clear we both fancied one another, and we started having sex in secret. It is very passionate and as if we are made for one another.

I had a pregnancy scare and it made us realise this is serious and we want to be together.


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His wife, he says, has a nasty streak and has hinted she will make it difficult over the kids if he ever leaves her.

He is a devoted dad and loves his girls to bits.

Lockdown was a nightmare for us but we managed to snatch FaceTime conversations most days. Now we are back at work, we get to spend more time with each other than before. 

It just feels so right being together. We talk about our future, where we will live and what sort of house we will buy.

I know without a shadow of a doubt he loves me and wants to be with me. But I cannot put pressure on him by asking him to risk his girls to be with me.

DEIDRE SAYS: Nothing is going to change while this man can have his cake and eat it.

If his wife is making veiled threats about the children, it suggests she knows something is wrong in their relationship. Courts try to protect children’s interests but the truth is she might make it hard for him to be a hands-on dad if they split up.

Meanwhile, your life is plodding along up a dead end. How long are you willing to go on being the other woman in his life?

Stop fantasising about what might have been and focus on the reality today. If his children come before you, that is probably in their best interests but you should break with him and tell him to work at repairing his marriage. It’s not good for children to be brought up by parents in a miserable relationship.

If he then realises he can’t be without you, he should ask his wife to go for mediation with him so they can part without punishing the children.

 My e-leaflet Thinking Of Divorce? details lots of useful support.

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